I’ve never played Metal Gear Solid.

This week I reveal another industry defining game as having never touched my feebly inexperienced hands. Ladies and mentlegen, I have officially never played a Metal Gear Solid game. 

Now, before you jump down my throat, yes I have written another article similar to this one. A few weeks back I revealed my total lack of game time with the legendary Legend of Zelda. Most responses were that of shock or contempt for my self-imposed title as a ‘gamer’. So I wonder how much shit will be slung my way for this one.

special missions

My only way into the MGS Club, and I still don’t give a rats ass what it’s on about.

I have at one stage in my life owned a Metal Gear Solid title however… but it was found on the side of the road in the Midlands, so therefore was in a ghastly shape. Every single surface of the disc was scratched within an inch of its innocent young life, but nonetheless I brought it home like a limping puppy and nourished it to health (I huffed on it and rubbed, basically). The game: MGS: Special Missions for the PlayStation 1.

It started off relatively well; Snake was there and everything was gravy. But then, as you can imagine from a disc that had seen more abuse than the UK’s recent Political parties, it started to fuck about and glitch like crazy. I’ve since tried to ask myself why exactly it was that I decided to bring a fucking BROKEN game home, but whatever. I was a stupid kid.


I don’t even know what to caption here as I couldn’t tell you whats happening.

So here I am, sat with my Dad eagerly playing this new free gem and it decides to wig out. I remember fully playing the game until reaching some sort of lift within the first few scenes of gameplay, and then it would just give up. Regardless of how long it took us to reach that lift, it always died there. And it was a linear narrative so that was where the fat lady stopped singing and I packed the game in.

But this begs the question; why did I never pursue the franchise any further? Well anonymous questioner, because I’m a fool. I have always been interested in dabbling in Snake’s life for many years, but much like with LoZ, I fear the only reason I want to play this game is because I’ve been duped into thinking I have to. Experienced player or not, you have to admit that a certain amount of snobbery/elitism surrounds the game and its placement as ‘TOP BITCH’ in the gaming industries many listicles.

I’ve heard many good things about the most recent addition (and perhaps final?) to the franchise, Metal Gear Solid: The Phantom Pain, but what exactly does it offer me in the way of unique gameplay and narrative elements? I’m genuinely asking. For the purpose of honesty and sincerity, I have Googled NOTHING about Konami’s MGS series and quite frankly all I can tell you is that there is a guy called Snaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake and people develop engorged exclamation marks when aroused.


There’s that exclamation mark I know so little about…

So if after all your flaming and flailing you could calmly describe to me the fuss surrounding this one particular title, that would be much appreciated. What is the value to this particular game? Why is its existence so prominent in the Industry? Can I play just TPP and catch up or am I massively behind the curve here? Is it a smaller problem than I’m making it out to be?!

I’ve heard from valuable sources that the most recent game is relatively n00b friendly, even for someone whose only experience with the main man is through Super Smash Bros Brawl. However, when I decided to travel to Reddit to consider their recommendations for MGS exploring, their mindfuck of an answer led to me a very critical moment in this entire line of questioning: How the fuck have you lot been able to follow the damn game when it’s timeline looks like this:

“Release Order:


Narrative Chronology:



Are any of these a venomous or solid Snake? Am I even talking English anymore?

Christ, even Kojima himself decided to supply a Metal Gear walkthrough for those struggling on how to crack into the franchise as a newcomer. This becomes even more critical to a wannabe MGS fan such as myself who has no idea the significance of the Snake. I mean, is Venom Snake and Solid Snake even the same person? Is the venomous snake the final Pokemon evolution of the rigid snake? These are the real questions we need to ask in 2015, and just be thankful I’m sparing you my musings on whatever the fuck a Metal Gear is.

So for the final part of my Confession, as demonstrated above, I really have to admit that I know jack shit about the game: the genre, the story, the characters, anything. Somehow over the years I have subconsciously removed myself entirely from that area of the industry and have turned an ignorant eye away from any and all content revolving Metal Gear Solid. Which, I’m aware, makes me a massive bellend. Chastise me bitch.

4 thoughts on “I’ve never played Metal Gear Solid.

  1. feministborgia says:

    For me, the attraction for the MGS series has been less about it’s gameplay (I suck at subterfuge. I cannot stealth. My idea of it is slamming my way through a doorway at speed whilst yelling ‘I’M SNEAKING’. I have played some of these games with the aid of the full stealth cammo. Whatevs, i don’t care.), and much about it’s batshit eat-your-own-leg-off crazy ass stories. Love them. So much. Hours of cutscenes. Insane dialogue. Characters being controlled by other by virtue of a transplanted limb. Cloning. Conspiracies. Breaking the fourth wall with vigour and joy.

    I didn’t even actually play some of the earliest games, but watched for the story 😀

    I came here fully prepared to recommend you a game from the series. My first instinct was to tell you to play the newest. Whatever else is said about it, it’s gameplay is flawless, the best it’s ever been. You can sneak your way into bases, carefully planning, watching guards, setting traps, using distractions. Or you can run in screaming with a really Big Gun and kill everyone. And both play out lovely. There is story there, but it is told (mostly) by tapes that you find, and can play whilst you are meandering on your horse to the next base you want to take out. Also you have Dog. I love Dog.

    But then I remember Quiet, and what a god-awful excuse for a character she was. And that made me want to recommend MGS IV, because although it’s a little untidy, at least it has a much better female character who can be badass with her clothes on. But that made me remember MGS III. The game that I hated at first because it was in the past and the wrong Snake and what a stupid name. But it plays great and it has this as it’s theme song:

    And then there’s MGS II, which has the craziest of crazy stories and really pissed off the fans for ages, and I was determined I was going to hate it and the story line won me round 😀

    So honestly, I don’t know what to tell you. You *absolutely* can play the last game without knowing the rest of the cannon. And it’s the most polished in terms of game play. There is something to love in all of the previous 4 installments. And although theoretically it would help you to know the story before hand, given the propensity for ret-conning things that were inconvenient in retrospect, and how the time lines jump around, I’m not sure you will be *that* much worse off if you just picked one 🙂

  2. Raney Simmon says:

    Don’t worry, your not the only one, both with Legend of Zelda and Metal Gear Solid. Haven’t played either really (played maybe a little of one or two Legend of Zelda games, but never got far). But I also don’t have an interest in Metal Gear Solid. I don’t know why, it just doesn’t seem like a game I’d be interested in. Haven’t checked it out or anything to confirm that opinion though.

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