I’m a very opinionated person, and this is one of my strongest and most prominent opinions. Wii is a pile of shite. 

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I’m one of those people who probably hates a lot more things than I do actually like things. And more often than not, you’ll be aware of this based on my consistent need to whine and moan. However, unlike my distaste for passing trends such as ‘cheeky Nandos’, Miley Cyrus’ nipple and the 2015 UK Election, there is one particular thing I have hated so strongly for nearly a decade that I think it’s only fair that I address it.

TL:DR, I fucking hate the Wii.

When looking at it from a technical perspective, I can see that it’s a very impressive bit of kit and has gone on to inspire the Kinect and all that other crap (even if Sony did the EyeToy yeeeeears ago…). But to me, personally, it’s utterly pointless and is given far too much attention. And that goes for the whole ‘motion’ genre of video games in general.

I have truly tried to give them a chance. I persuaded my family to buy a new Xbox 360 with Kinect for Christmas years ago to play at being that happy ‘family’ you see in all the adverts. It failed miserably after trying to explain how to bowl at the TV screen without breaking anything else in the room. So that was a bust.

My next attempt came during one of my very brief fitness stages of life, in which I considered it to be a good idea to spend my time playing Kinect Zumba. It worked for a while and I got a bit of a sweat on, but the dream came collapsing down upon itself when my sister walked into the room and laughed hysterically at my useless form flailing at a camera. End of the line for Kinect Zumba.

My final attempt of assimilating the Kinect into my life came with the idea of my daughter maybe enjoy the Kinect Adventures game. However, I was overwhelmingly proud to see her face pull the typical Hodson expression of ‘What the fuck is this Mum?’ when I tried to initiate the fun. Not even 5 minutes in, and Adventures was a no-go.

So that was the Kinect finished, but why did I even bother knowing how much I hated the Wii? Well, I’ve never been a big Nintendo fan. I never clawed at my face following the newest Mario announcement and I’ve owned a grand total of 2 out of their total 30 consoles – these being a Gameboy Colour for Pokemon purposes, and a first gen DS bought off my mother so I could play Animal Crossing.

I’m not their demographic. I don’t enjoy their style of games, and when it got coupled with a fucking motion centred console I was immediately put off. It was difficult for me to work in a UK-based Games store based on the daily need to pitch and sell a Wii to poor miserable bastards looking to make friendly contact with their kids.

What’s more, the graphics suck and I’m stupid at the best of times, so I could literally never figure out the controllers. I know it’s a stupid reason to hate something, but if you can hook me with a good first impression, I’ll never let it go. I have previous for this too, take the new TV show Gotham; I watched about 3 episodes of it and made my mind up that it was shit. Never watched a minute of it since.

What I’m saying is, whilst the fact that in 2015 we have technology like the Oculus Rift, the Wii U and increasingly more complex smartphones, but that doesn’t actually make them automatically good. Yes, I can pretend to be a Jedi and pet strange jungle animals, but since when have these things truly ever been needed digitally? Even if I owned a console, I can’t ever understand someone suddenly getting the urge to prance around their room to the strange array of games they offer. Even the attempts at successful genres such as FPS fall short of the mark – I’m thinking of sub-standard games like GoldenEye and House of the Dead.

And until the good folks over at Nintendo can stop pulling Zelda games out their arse and actually make a title that not only impresses me, and makes their line of Wii consoles at all bearable, then I’m gonna veto the whole selection. And let’s be honest, there’s not enough laughter in the world to try and discuss the Wii U, that shit was just pointless.

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Not to mention the fact I played the Rift once and nearly threw up everywhere. That motion doodah just is not for me.