Review: Huniepop

Wow, I’m really going to admit to playing this game, on the Internet as well, aren’t it? Jesus, what have I sunk to? And what’s worse… I really enjoyed it. Please don’t read this Mum. 

Oh Huniepop. What can we say, really. You came along in January this year and caused quite a stir. All one needs to do is go to the Steam Community pages and see the reviews left for you. To be honest, they’re the main reason I bought you and played every single minute you have to offer me. And for anyone who is aware of this game, you will know what I subjected myself to all in the name of extensive journalism…

Fair warning, this won’t be a particularly long or… ahem… detailed review as there are only 2 core elements to the gameplay: a simple interface used to buy gifts and talk to your ‘Waifu’s’ (a typically anime/manga character that the player finds attractive and considers as their significant other), and a Candy Crush/Bejeweled Blitz style mini game to trick the girls into having sex with you. Yup, that’s the game. And it’s SOO addictive…

A little background information on the title is needed however before we kick of what you really want to read about – specifically about which Waifu’s I would recommend (The answer is Jesse…). Huniepop started off as a pipe dream, before 1,483 people decided to pledge their own money towards its creation on Kickstarter back in January of this year.

Huniepop Candy Cursh

I wasn’t lying about the Candy Crush. Also, that’s Lola. She’s chesty.

Described as a ‘unique RPG experience for the PC, Mac and Linux’, they’re really not wrong. I mean, have you ever found yourself balls deep in a really tough level of Candy Crush Saga and had the overwhelming need to hear women screaming at the heights of pleasure? Or even the opposite, and you been really digging that blonde in the newest Dating Simulator, but wish you could be able to impress her with your puzzle matching skills? Well, Huniepop sits as the disgusting pervert in the middle of all your gaming needs.

You start the game hitting on girls in a club and failing miserably, in a rather poetic metaphor of you attempting to justify to your IRL partner why you bought a Waifu Sex Game for £6.99 on SteamAT THE TIME OF WRITING IT’S CURRENTLY 25% SO YOU BASICALLY HAVE TO TRY IT NOW. After the inevitable rejection, you’re startled by a Love Fairy… yes, a Love Fairy… called Kyu who claims it’s her ‘job to help poor saps like you out with the ladies’. Oh how kind.

The next process this bubblegum pink pimp takes you through is the most eyebrow raising; interaction with females, oh the horror. But the worse thing here is that she’s kind of racist. Now, I’m not going to repeat it simply because I don’t want that kinda crap on my blog, it has no place here, but lets just say she refers to some of the girls as her preference for different types of colours… Thankfully though, this is the most painful moment of the game if you’re comfortable with completely nude animated pictures of lady gardens and chest pillows.

From here, you talk, question and shower the girls with gifts, who in the name of good journalism, I shall list for you with a brief description, going from left to right of the picture below;

Hunie Pop girls

  • Belli Disney’s Jasmine with a conservative sex drive and a passion for any yoga position that involves her arse in the air.
  • Jesse – Porn star who gets drunk at the bar until you turn up and throw a hotdog down her hallway.
  • Aiko – University lecturer who looks fresh from the womb. Also reeks of attitude and shade.
  • Tiffany – Cheerleader and academic student, with hair too long for normal humans.
  • Kyu – Love Fairy. Fondness for sex toys and racial slurs.
  • Nikki – The ‘Gamer’. Completely lacking in any discernible personality and clocking in at the height of a midget.
  • Lola – Air Hostess. I like the way she dresses. I wanna see her soon in my hotel room.
  • Audrey – The main thunder c*** of the game and a total mega-bitch to deal with. Red hair tho, niiiiice.
  • Kyanna – A horrific stereotype of a teen-pregnancy-school-dropout now working as a hairdresser and living at the gym, whilst being leeched on by the likes of you instead of feeding her child.
  • (Secret characters include a Furry looking for a master, an Alien who wears clothes that can barely contain her ample blue bosoms, and a Goddess who’s approximately 10,000 years old and tracks you own for being such a whore.)
Audrey Censored

Audrey Belrose, everybody. Censored, for your pleasure.

And that’s pretty much the game. Find all of the girls, decide who your favourite is and seduce the living hell out of them. The player must hit a minimum of 5 successful dates with the girl (that is, but reaching a numerical target on the Candy Crush game) with the final date taking place at night before any serious Woo-Hooing can happen, so the grind (ignore the pun) can be a chore eventually as the target gets higher.

A strategic use of your Munie (to buy gifts) and Hunie (used for power-ups and buffs that are gained from successful conversations) will help you lay your first girl in no time, but if you aim to slay them all (like I did, just for you) then you’ll be playing for about 5 hours approximately.

It’s a childish amount of fun. You know you shouldn’t be playing the game because it’s just sexually aggressive and exploitative for multiple reasons, but dammit I have never laughed that hard at a game in all my life.

7 outta 10. Really would recommend this game to anyone who suffers from loneliness and possesses some headphones. Addictive way to spend your time for a couple of hours and supplies you with a great anecdote for your future grandchildren.

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